Episode 83 – Finding the Right Child for You

We explore the issues that surround finding the right child for you and your family. There are three important questions that should be seriously considered as you approach this important and delicate topic. We suggest a number of ways to prepare your life and your home for your child.

13 thoughts on “Episode 83 – Finding the Right Child for You

  1. Yes, to all of that. If I had been there while you were recording, you would have heard a lot of “Amens” interjected between statements. Great job!

  2. Hi – I loved this and it was very convicting. I know you might not have an answer to this but how do you deal with the after affects of letting a child go. We had our foster daughter for a year and a half. Our hearts are so broken that it is hard to go back into foster care.

    Also, your tagline is about foster care being a crazy system. I can’t agree more!! But do you think we are really making a change? I am really struggling that we are just contributing to a system that is actually harming kids. It shouldn’t have taken a year and a half for the social care workers to get our foster daughter moved. She needed to be where she is now and it shouldn’t have taken that long. But it did. Are we really helping?

  3. Love this episode – definitly one of my favorites. I am bookmarking it for any time I want to use the “peace” excuse.

    It was convicting upon convicting at each turn. The infertility portion at the beginning was just what I needed to hear. I gave birth to a beautiful little boy about 4 years ago, and then within hours, had to have an emergency (lifesaving but unexpected) hysterectomy. I love that you do not dismiss the five things that are grieved and not “solved” by adoption. I was comforted by the fact that there wasn’t a “get over it” attitude, but a think through it and how will you come to terms with it. Prayer and prayer partners have been my sanity saver.

    I had to post your link on facebook as I thought the portion on “peace” was something ALL Christians should hear – not just those considering or pursuing adoption!

    Y’all are a blessing for all of us.

  4. Margaret – I wanted to write something in regards to “are we making a change”. My husband and I went through great grief with the reunification of our first placement. She was with us from five days old until she was 10 months. I think because we were under the ideas that she was going to be staying it was even harder when she left. Also, knowing she was not going back to what we might think of as a good situation.

    The grief, for me, was harder than going through the first few weeks, months of our infertility. So jumping back into fostering was very scary. I didn’t know if I truly had the strength to do this.

    We were blessed to be visited by a wonderful pastor of a church we had visitied. He knew nothing of us.. he came in sat down and you could see the questions on his face… toy box.. baby pictures.. baby swing. No baby in church with them.. no baby here now. We explained our situation to him and he went on to minister to us.

    We prayed about it and we just felt our hearts being pulled and these feelings that yes.. this is where we are supposed to be. I know that baby E will not remember us. But while she was with us.. she was loved, not just by B and I but also by our entire family. She bonded with us.. we have her that security that every infant needs. I know that this love will always be with her. I like to think of it as a little seed we planted inside of her. I pray that should she ever have to experience something bad in her life that this seed will sprout and she will feel all that love we gave her and it will protect her. She may not know where it comes from, but it will be there.

    We can’t control what goes on in these children’s lives when they are no longer in our care, however, we can love them like crazy and be that security while they are with us. So yes I think we are helping and I think your family is helping. This is what these children need.

    …. and to continue our story… just a two short weeks after baby E left us we met our now four year old son. He was two days old and we found out when he was 2 months he was staying forever. God is so wonderful and as this wonderful pastor told us… He will not forsake you.

    LOVE LOVE LOVED the podcast. Was not sure what to think when seeing the title, but listened anyway.. so glad I did. =)

  5. mommy2mommy – THANK YOU!!

    I think this is the first time I have ever had someone else talk about the awkwardness of when someone comes to our home and sees all the baby/kid stuff. wow. And that is a great reminder of the impact we had on our foster daughter. I need to focus on that, not the system anyway.

    We also were told that we would be able to adopt her. That is the part of foster care that I wasn’t prepared for. The back and forth, up and down of the situations. One moment we were told we could adopt her, and another we were told nope, she is going home. She ended up with a relative who is amazing.

    We just moved so we will jump back in after finishing unpacking.

  6. I loved this podcast, thank you for it. You articulated something I always think about. I find it so hard to know where my family’s limits are, you know? We have 4 kids, one with significant SN (adopted from foster care) and we are applying for more. But my heart is to take in every kid I am offered, and I know at a certain point I’d be stretching my marriage, my other kids, and their needs too far. How do you think it’s best to balance those things? I do seem to have trouble being realistic about my ability to parent and deal with special needs, etc. If I had my way we would have 7 or 8 kids in here, and it’d be too much, I think. Not just for me but for everyone.

  7. Sarah,
    That’s a really important question. Our goal in this episode was to help families think past where their own limits currently are, and to consider where their limits need to be.

    You are a step ahead. You have already stretched yourself and experienced the blessings (and difficulties!) that come with sacrifice. Many families never stretch out far enough to see what they can do. But that’s not you.

    To answer your question, it sounds like you already know where your family’s limits are! If you and I sat down over a cup of coffee, I think you would be able to communicate pretty well how much more load your family can bear without hurting your marriage and your kids. And you need to be really honest with yourself, your family and your agency about that. Am I right?

    T and I would love to be where you are (growing our family further) in the future, and at that time maybe we could do an episode on this very topic–how to know how much MORE you can handle. Until then, if you have any tips for our listeners, we are all ears!


  8. Thank you so much for this episode! I am not near to being able to fosterparent yet, but now I have some great ideas of how to get there…

  9. Tim and Wendy, Thank you so much for this episode. It so resonated with where we are at. My husband and I have just recently become liscenced to take in medically fragile children. We have a 13 year old biological child, who is ventilator dependent. 13 years ago I stated I would never have chosen to walk the path that was presented before us. Of course we did walk it, and it was the hardest ,most challenging but also the most rewarding thing we have ever done. Here we are now, and are choosing to walk the same path again, except this time we are making the choice on purpose. We have been presented with a ventilator dependent baby who has never been able to leave the hospital. We have the opportunity to give this little boy a home for as long as he is on this earth. Of course we are nervous, as we know the commitment we are getting into, but we are also excited that perhaps God has put us in this place for such a child as this. All that to say, I cannot believe the resistance I have received from others when I have shared what we are planning to do. I expected it from my neighbors, but not from my fellow Christians. The general attitude seems to be, if it is going to cost us in convenience, emotionally, or any other way, it is not worth the risk. We have 4 biological children, and often others express concern for them. We went into this on purpose, knowing that it is going to stretch all of us, but also wanting our children to know that following Christ isn’t about living a life of comfort, but about listening for God’s leading and then entering into the work He is doing. And that often times, it is not easy or comfortable.
    Your podcast helped immensely to encourage us and to spur us on to continue on the journey we have begun. Thank you for all of your honesty in all of your podcasts, because I am sure that we will have many challenging and difficult days ahead, but you two have encouraged us to not give up or feel that we were not called to this, just because it is hard. God bless you.,

  10. Wow, what a powerful episode. I love hearing people combat our ugly American culture with the bible. Don’t get me wrong, I love America, I’m so very happy to be an American, and I’m proud of our country, but I’m not proud of the cultural mindset that we’ve adopted as a country. It’s not all about you, preach it! More people need to hear that! Great episode guys, I’m really glad you expounded on this topic with us. I was very curious what you guys would have to say about “Finding the right child for you,” I was very pleasantly surprised. Preach it! 🙂

  11. Ok, this was the podcast that I think I had the hardest time with. I think because, like Sarah that commented, I’m in a different place. And it’s less the question of “finding the right child” for me and my husband. But “finding the right fit for our whole family.” Because with 5 children, including some from foster care, it’s not about what I want. And even if I really really want to adopt more kids, I need to make sure I first think about the children that I already parent. I know we can still be good parents to another child. But I also know that it has to be the “right child”.

  12. I’m sorry, this episode was the biggest miss of all for me. I’ve been listening to your episodes from the beginning for the past few weeks and though you’ve strayed into the territory of being a little preachy and sanctimonious in the past, this episode reeked. You came across as smug and condescending, “What, you mean I could learn a new language?” “What, you mean I could leave my community and find a new one?” Frankly I found the bulk of your advice to be given too lightly — none of those are decisions you have had to make but you make it sound like they are easy sacrifices. It sounded like you were pointing your fingers at people who were doubtful of their ability to care for children with high needs, but everyone has limitations. How would you feel if someone were looking down on you for not taking a medically fragile, developmentally disabled child? How does it feel throwing this advice around when you refused the teenage placement that you COULD have dealt with instead of conveniently blaming your other two foster children? I think the bottom line should have been your quote “You should not take a child into your home you are not capable of caring for” but add “BUT you might be capable of more than you think!” Encourage people to find out rather than shame them. Sorry, very painful to listen to. I’m very surprised other people enjoyed this episode.

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