T & W deal with the difficulty of having four kids with little emotional maturity and very few social skills. Sibling rivalry is the overwhelming issue in our home. We have tried some new techniques this week that seem to be working. We recap what life has been like over the last month and what tools we’re using to make things better.
We read from this article by Heather Forbes, author of Beyond Consequences.
We share our opinions about whether or not public schools are good for foster children and our experiences with navigating the system when kids have special educational needs. We also share how churches can support foster families.
We mention this great audiobook, Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore, that is currently available for free at ChristianAudio.com. If you’re a Christian with any interest in adoption you should definitely grab it while you can. The book inspired T to write the following:
When my foster son is taunted on the schoolyard with “You don’t have parents,” it is spiritual warfare; delivered from a cruel world that only reinforces everything his abusers have always told him.
And when he prays to God and expresses his thanks for his foster family, it is his own battle cry; telling the world that he is loved and that the war . . . is about to turn.
What an inspiring and thought provoking episode! I suppose my main question is: If the boys come up for adoption, what will you do (as of now)? Best of luck and I hope it gets better!
I agree–what a great episode! We became emergency foster parents for a 13-year-old boy we already knew (we are not licensed fps) about six months ago. We already have a 3-year-old bio boy. I immediately found your podcasts very helpful but when you took on two older boys, they became even more relevant. Our foster son’s parents did not seek any reunification, and we expect him to be with us permanently. Fitting him into our family has been a challenge, as I emailed Tim once. Our 13-year-old often acts like he’s about 5 emotionally, but he’s so much bigger than my little one. My best trick is to insist on polite words. I don’t care who took or did what; they need to go back to each other and ask/apologize/explain to the other child, not to me (cases of bodily injury are different but very rare). That has really de-escalated things, and taught our teen how to use good manners. We too are struggling with our teen being behind in school, but have a good local public school and with M-Th tutoring, are helping him overcome the anxiety that keeps him from functioning normally. So many other points in common! Thank you for helping me normalize this unexpected turn in our family’s life.
I could totally relate to this one. We’ve had four kids in our house for the last 9 months. The laundry!!! The social worker and parent visits!!! But most of all the needs of our foster kids were/are so huge, that we realized we are really not able to give them all what they need with such a full house. We were sad, because our heart goes out to every foster child, but we are realizing now that we need to pace ourselves in order to give every foster child we have a loving home. One of our kids reunified with a parent recently and we’re sticking with 3 kids for a while.
For sibling issues, we love the book Siblings Without Rivalry, by Faber and Mazlish. Of course, we still have issues, but that book has good tools for dealing with them.
The most uplifting part of this podcast for me was how much your girls feel like they belong as part of your family. We are in the adoption process with one kiddo right now and I can tell she doesn’t feel that way yet, and I am really looking forward to the day when she’s like, “Of course they’re my parents!”
Again, the Lord’s timing amazes me! I found your site a few months ago, right before we began visits with our foster sons. We received placement right before Christmas. Our boys are teens, at least on paper. We have one bio older than them and three younger. Our house now seems very small.
We are praying for your transition, as well as our own. Thank you for the words of encouragement and for just being here. It is so nice to know we are not alone, even when we feel like we are.
Dear T & W,
All my love and utmost respect to you both and your family. I’m always learning so much from you both and your faith.
J
Thanks for another great episode! I love hearing you guys, both the ups and the downs. It gives me encouragement when our times are tough and hope that things will get better.
We have 2 kids whom we hope to adopt and one birth son (who is younger). Going from 1 kid to 3 kids was a big change and I can imagine how 2 to 4 is. We’ve had some tattling issues (when it seems someone is always tattling). We’ve had success with a couple techniques:
1 – You may ONLY “tell” mom/dad if sibling hurt you or is doing something unsafe. Anything else you need to work out yourselves. (this prob helps bc it removes the attention piece)
2 – When the bickering/tattling gets unbearable, I just announce that obviously they all need a break from each other and I send each kid to a different room. They can still play/read/etc, but have to go it solo (and no electronics). Usually the kids are begging to play together within about 10 mins.
Good luck and I’ll be praying!
Wow! This is amazing. I love hearing your process through conversation. Sincere, funny, & thoughtful.
I’d love to go on a Listener Cruise! And I’m glad the writing down has been helping the tattling.
I can’t wait to go back and listen to more episodes.
Love you guys!
Episode 100 suggestion:
I think you should do the 100th episode with a live audience at a semi-public place near where you live (maybe the church?) where any local listeners/friends can come and see first-hand your podcast creation skills!
Maybe you could also allow some amateur participation and have a live audience Q&A or let people comments about how the podcast has affected them/us. I know for my wife and I it has been tremendous and in one week we will have our final walkthrough to be certified foster parents with Olive Crest!
Thank you…
So I’ve been listening to y’all from Savannah Georgia for 8+ months now…and of course have done the catch up of listening to episodes from the beginning…and now it’s torture to wait weeks between new episode
. We’ve been foster parents since 2007 and your podcast sooo helps me from feeling isolated as a Christian in foster care facing these ‘unique’ issues. Anyway, just thought you’d like to know you’re reaching coast to coast. and as your margin in life continues to cut away, please know the Lord is using you two through this podcast.
I had also been listening to the Adopted for Life book so I was excited when you mentioned it. Turns out the Lord referenced your spiritual warfare comment with me that same day. One day, ALL day, last week I was bombarded with the thoughts: “You’re not their mom. I’m not going to do this anymore. Why does God just keep having me care for other people’s kids? Doesn’t it stink you can’t adopt them?” On this day I had a medical appointment involving fertility issues, it was my last day with a 5 month old boy we’d been caring for, and birth parents out of the blue called for the first time and I monitored their first call with our 11 & 13 yr old foster siblings. I also received a difficult email from a counselor questioning my authority and decision to change their psychologist, and confirmed to a friend who is changing legal documents so that my husband and I would become parents of their 3 children should they pass away. After my evening breakdown with my husband, the next morning at 445 God clearly brought to mind your spiritual warfare statement and rephrased it for me. “When someone tells me or I think “I’m not a mom”; it is spiritual warfare. And when I pray to God and thank Him for positioning me as mother in their lives for today–that’s my battle cry, telling the world that they are loved and the war is about to turn.
ok… so there’s my comment.
“Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees… so that the lame may not be disabled but rather healed” Hebrew 12:12
Great comment Jennifer. Thanks. You made W cry.
We have a 12 year old son that I adopted when I was still single and he was only 2 years of age. My wife then adopted him after we were married. For many years it was just him and I. Then my wife joined us and we became foster parents together. Our first placement was with us for 15 months and then left. Then we did not have a placement for 7 months. We had two sisters move in with us (lots of similarities to L and A) who have now been with us for fifteen months with a potential TPR in late summer, but we are waiting on God’s will in their case. Then a couple of months ago we became aware of our newest addition, 10 year old Mark (not his real name) and he moved in with us full time a week ago after three weekends of visits.
It was interesting how the visits were fine between the boys for the most part. Yet the minute Mark moved in our son Willie (not his real name) started rebelling and causing problems every which way he turned. We expected some transition issues, but WOW this is the mother load of issues. He is 12 and of course burgeoning on teenager life and his heart, brain and body are all changing rapidly and now the addition of his new brother, who is going to be a forever brother, as Mark’s parental rights have been terminated.
Needless to say – I hear your struggle and feel your pain and know your joy when you have gone two hours without a fight or someone complaining about another. I love all four of our kids and they each have their own strengths and challenges, but the biggest challenge for my wife and I is to keep trusting God each and everyday with the future of our children. He called us to this in our lives and brought each of these kids into our home in a unique way.
God is surely a big God and He alone knows what is needed to get through to our kids and it is up to us to rest in HIM as we guide our wonderful kiddos through the journey of life……Not always an easy task.
I am finding that I am not sure I could be a foster parent if it were not for FAITH. The faith that gives me the assurance that HE has it all under control. He has done it before! He is doing it now! And HE WILL DO IT AGAIN for all of our kiddos.
Blessings to you both
Brock