T & W reflect further on the cross-cultural issues at home and continue to run into the roadblocks in helping hurt kids. We share some of the strategies we have tried for helping a very angry boy to handle his pain. Sometimes we don’t see hope of things getting better for a child, and interventions rarely work right away. Still, we trust that children can heal over time in the context of family and community.
A high school production of “Beauty and the Beast” drives home a lesson for W about our kids. An “unbirthday” party doesn’t go so well for Luke (but maybe it really does). A listener who adopted a Filipino son helps us understand what we are really feeling about our Vietnamese sons.
Once again, I just so appreciate your honesty, vulnerability and perseverance. Thanks for sharing the real-life ups and downs of fostering.
Shannon in Indiana <
Thank you so much for podcasting (especially when you must be very very tired). As always I learned so much from you. All my warmest best wishes to you all. Your family is in my prayers.
Loved Wendy’s Beauty and the Beast story!!! I also LOVE that you guys ‘get’ that foster parenting is CRAZY HARD and are not scared but face it with courage and love!
We just dealt with the birthday issue. In our case it was difficult because it was a short term placement. We wanted to help our foster son heal and feel that he is valuable, but worried about strengthening attachments when he’d be moving.
Our foster son was put under the care of the county the week before his birthday. His then foster mom took him to the store to choose a toy, but there was no party, cake, wrapping, etc. His mom promised gifts for months and never delivered. To say that he has birthday issues is an understatement! So of course, my son’s birthday fell during this time, and on the same day they were invited to a neighbor child’s birthday party.
It was difficult to decide how to celebrate my son’s birthday while being sensitive to our foster son. We did the majority of celebrating while our foster son was on a weekend visit with his Dad. On the actual birthday we had a quiet celebration with cake and one present. The neighbor child’s birthday tipped the scales – tons of people, presents, and eyes on they boy everyone knew was a foster child. (In retrospect I wish I would have found another fun activity for that day.) It was a difficult day for him, thankfully he expressed it, shedding a few tears and spending time alone (his own choosing) to sort out his feelings. His most clear desire was a wrapped present.
In thinking how we might help I considered an un-birthday party, but decided that I didn’t want to try and take the place of his parents, or make it such a big deal that his previous lack of birthday celebrations was even more painful. We decided on a simple gift of a small box of Legos and two books. I wrapped them nicely, with bright paper, a bow and a card signed by the whole family that said “Happy Birthday! a little late”. We gave it to him in the morning with little fanfare. He was very quiet opening it. He thanked us and gave hugs to everyone (something that had not happened before). I feel that it was a success, communicating that he is worthy of a nice gift. It won’t erase the wounds of his past, but hopefully he understands just a little bit more that he is worth loving.
For me, I learned that going through the motions isn’t enough, it can be HOW it’s done that matters.
Despite the novel-long comment I just left I neglected to say – Great episode, so much good stuff in this one!
The same day that I listened to this podcast, my daughter brought home the book “Goose” by Molly Bang from her school library. I cried. My. Eyes. Out.
http://www.amazon.com/Goose-Molly-Bang/dp/0590890050/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1302787473&sr=1-1#_
I don’t think the book is supposed to be sad, but there is a point in the book when the baby goose’s adoptive family (beavers, I think) are trying to make him happy & his friends are trying to make him happy, but they’re just not “like him” and so he loves them but he still isn’t happy. It takes him growing up and moving on to figure himself out, but it the last picture, he is soaring…with one of his beaver parents on his back.
Great episode as always, guys! Even though I love the film, I have never been a fan of the message of Beauty and the Beast (which I see as “no matter how badly he treats you, maybe you can fix him”). But I never thought about things from the Beast’s perspective and I cried too when Wendy talked about the “there’s nothing left of me” line. Sniff!
One thing I wondered after listening this time, is how do you get the nitty-gritty of your day done? I get the impression you both work…but how? We’re only managing our foster son’s needs because I work at home and uh, basically am not getting my work done. My husband is gone more than full time. How are you getting four kids to appointments? And how are you getting dinner made? Probably my biggest emotional hurdle since becoming a foster parent has been getting a good, hot, reasonably home-made meal on the table. Since my bio son is small, we were just sort of foraging until we added our foster son. Now it’s real meals every night. Wah! It’s so relentless! Dinner seems even more relentless than the other chores of parenting, maybe because it involves pre-planning, creativity and careful timing–and your audience may not thank you for it.
I’ve left a couple of comments on past episodes. I’m still playing catch up! I wanted to comment on something Tim mentioned during the pod cast…about a bio home being better than an adoptive home because that was God’s plan. My husband and I are currently attending adoption classes and one of the instructors made the following statement: A D- bio home is better than an A+ foster home.
My thought was: That’s well put!
While I thought you guys put it well also, her statement has really stuck with me. I think it will be the thought going through my head the first time I have to send foster kids back to bio homes that do not meet my standards. I will still know that as long as they are safe, reunification is in their best interest.
Now…I’m moving on to episode 98!