Our family says good-bye to Luke and Nolan. T & W discuss the details of their move–where they went, why they left and how we’re feeling about their time with us.
Saying goodbye to a foster child is something that most people fear. It’s a concern that even keeps many prospective foster or adoptive families from foster parenting at all. In the midst of this grief, we wanted to talk about what we are feeling and why we don’t regret the experience of being foster parents to Luke and Nolan. Even though the past six months have tested our patience and strength, we are thankful to have had the experience of loving them.
Also in this episode, you’ll hear what it was like to go on vacation as a foster family and the worst thing a teacher has ever said to us.
You know, I think I have a tiny bit of insight into that teacher’s horrible comments to you, in front of the boys. Without giving it all away to any listeners who haven’t heard this podcast yet, I will say that, early on in my parenting of my daughter, who had been in foster care for 5 years before she moved in with us at age 7 (and was, understandably, pretty rough around the edges), various adults would criticize her to me as if I was *NOT* her ally, not on her side, not her “real” mother, but rather was on the side of the adult doing the judging—in the same club—so would not be offended by their harsh assessment of her. Well, it’s true, I was usually like the criticizer in terms of race and socioeconomic background and educational standing, but we were miles apart in compassion and understanding of children from the hard places (as Karyn Purvis likes to say). I know that sounds arrogant, but that’s the only way I could understood them saying such atrocious things about her, directly to my face (and sometimes in front of her, so that she could hear). I believe that they thought, because of what they perceived about who I was from my race and my class, that I would share their values and fears, and would stand apart from my own daughter. That I would be as afraid of the folks on the other side of the tracks, so to speak, as they were. Despite the obvious fact that I had crossed those tracks a while ago, in order to claim this child as my own. Which apparently they could not conceive. Eventually, I learned just to walk away or change the subject when they started in. And I could tell when someone was about to start, because there was always a telltale phrase or tone that would give them away: “kids like that,” or “discipline is what’s needed,” or “I don’t know how you do it,” or “if she weren’t so lazy.” You two have an amazing sense of perspective and humor, which I lack: I just grew angry and resentful, and knew that if I didn’t walk away or change the subject, I would say something that would alienate (forever) whoever I was talking to—a teacher, another parent, a coach. And my daughter would have to continue interacting with that person, and I didn’t want to make it worse for her. It happened innumerable times; maybe because my daughter and I are of different races, and white folks assumed I’d side with them in their negative judgements of her? I don’t know. Sadly, I believe, the boys’ teacher is not unique in her mean-spiritedness. I do hope, however, that the boys will be spared from hearing anything like what she said about them again. How tragic, as you put it so well.
We’ve been through a similar experience and I completely identified with your difficulty and emotion. You are courageous for putting everything on the line to serve the fatherless. You help us to keep on keeping on. Thank you for sharing this raw experience with us! May God comfort you in your loss.
WOW! “Future gang member!” Good job maintaining your composure, as I don’t think I would have done so well… Thanks for laughing about it too. I so love your ability to “roll with it. ” Thanks for doing what you do.
Good job, guys! This episode reminds me of why I love your podcasts – you’re real and tell it like it is. No hiding it – we hear it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly! Thanks for sharing your hearts. Thanks, Tim, for asking the hard questions and thanks, Wendy, for sharing your heart even through the tears. Bless you both for living out your convictions, through it all. Enjoy the time you now have to reconnect with your girls.
Shannon in Indiana <
Thank you for covering such a tough topic. Lots of honesty, but still able to find the humor when ever possible! Thanks for sharing your life so openly so that we can all learn from your experiences and wisdom.
Marianne,
I think you’re right that she still viewed her self as “other” than Luke while we viewed ourselves as “one” with him.
I cannot thank you enough for talknig about even the difficult and personal expierences you’ve had as foster parents. The children I am plcaed will have better a better foster in me because I am able to learn from you and others like you who are willing to let us in on their lives and matters of the heart. Thank you.
Marianne,
Even though I am not a foster parent, your view seems to be dead on. Thank you for writing your view so we can all assess our own hearts on the way we speak about children in general.
Tim and Wendy,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I hear your compassion, strength, and wisdom. It obvious that the Lord created you both to know how to respond and join Him as He pursues these beautiful children. I love your statement of ” I don’t regret pouring into them” and ” I don’t regret loving them” – what a reflection of God’s own heart! May the Lord continue to pour into you both so you may be refreshed and renewed in His compassion and love towards you both. Blessings to you both and your family.
Wow… you guys got me. Most emotional podcast yet. And I’m so proud of you!! Way to honor your feelings, and thank you so much for the insight into how it truly is when a foster family changes.
Hey, I just wanted to say I really appreciated Tim’s comments on his role as a safe father figure and realizing that the boys weren’t really ready for the fun father figure that he would probably ultimately want to be. It takes a lot of wisdom to see those things. I am hoping you feel comfort in your grief and that the boys will find the family that can and will become what they need.
Thanks so much for your transparency. You reminded me to give more hugs to our now rising 6th grade daughter that we adopted 4 years ago. I think it’s hard for me to ever really understand the depths of her need for affection because of her difficult past.
She is doing great and we thank God for bringing her and her younger brother and sister into our family. Seeing how God is working in the lives of our children gives us a glimpse of how much He cares for children. People think that we are doing something great for God by adopting but really He is doing something wonderful for us by showing us more of Himself through our experience.
Thank you for sharing about this hard time. I really relate to the situation of trying to be the family that the boys need and also trying to be the family that the girls need, and feeling like you failed because you couldn’t be both. I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one who felt that way. We have two biological sons, and tried a placement with two more boys but just couldn’t be what we needed to be for all four boys. It feels terrible having to choose between kids, even if two of them are your own and really are God’s first priority for you. To know that a child (or children) is getting the short end of the stick because I can’t be everything to everyone is heartbreaking.
You guys talk about such big important topics that nobody else really understands unless they go through it themselves. Fostering is so hard because even when you have happy times, it’s hard not to think forward to when you’ll lose them. I’m going to make a bigger effort to find time to listen to the previous episodes just to hear from someone who understands. Thank you.
Hi Tim and Wendy,
I feel like we are best friends even though we haven’t met, I am on round two of listening to your podcasts straight through, so I’ve been “living” with you and your family for the last several weeks.
Thank you for all the information you put out there, I can look back at previous children we have had and understand them better and hopefully be more prepared for the next. We are reading “The Connected Child” now and it really makes a lot of sense.
We too had a very painful goodbye at the end of March; a severely handicapped little fellow who has cerebral palsy. Because of his needs, even though he is adoptable there was not a family for him (we are foster only) and he ended up in a county facility for people with CP. Thankfully we an still visit, but it is a two and a half hour drive so it decreases the amount of times we can visit. Your picture of the back of your car reminded me of the picture we took when we loaded all his things up. He came with two tiny suitcases and left with the entire back of our Explorer filled.
Thanks again for all your information, take your time as you heal from your separation from Luke and Nolan, it will be better, but never the same.
Wow. Thank you for being so honest and real. I have just caught up on all your episodes and you have addressed so many things that I have felt. This one was heart breaking and I so hope you both are doing ok. After 17 months of having our girls, it never ceases to amaze how people think they are “one” with us as opposed to us being “one” with our girls. You are inspirational with your humor and your tears. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing with us, Tim and Wendy. I cried along with you. It sounds like you have absolutely done the right thing for your boys, your girls and yourselves. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It was very brave of you to share your grief in such great detail, and to try to articulate such complicated feelings. As we go through our own hard times in our house, without other foster parents to talk to, your journey gives us something to steer by.
Thanks for another wonderful podcast!! I definitely echo others’ comments about your honesty and your candid discussions. It makes a huge difference to those of us who listen to you!
I was completely floored by the teacher’s comment… Just could NOT believe that she said it.
Thank you Tim – LOVE IS NEVER WASTED!
And that sums it all up, why we do this and how we can ‘stand’ to send them back. And I used that this morning when the person cutting my hair did the ‘oh you’re so great, I could never do that…’ I had just finished this podcast (finally caught up!) and I said ‘Love is never wasted’ and it was the perfect response.
Thank you for baring your souls and not sugarcoating.
Hello! I am a new listener that just found your podcast a few weeks ago. I had planned on posting a big thank you when I caught up to the latest episode, but after hearing this episode, I had to stop and thank you now.
Wendy, you made a comment about how sometimes you don’t have it left in you to talk to the people you want to talk to about things because of the time and energy spent on being gracious to more casual acquaintances’ inquiries. I absolutely identified with that. I first dealt with a major health issue, then infertility, and finally we started on the road as foster to adopt parents. I’ve unwittingly become an “expert” on all three of these as we worked through them, and sometimes I’ve gotten so sick of hearing myself talk about things to practically strangers, that I’ll skip a good heart to heart with a close friend just to avoid having to hear myself talk about it anymore!
I so appreciate both of you for your honesty and openness. You’ve been a tremendous help in our growth as foster parents, further preparing us for both the emotional and practical aspects of it. That’s a tremendous gift. Much love to your family!