Again thank you guys so much for making this podcast and God bless!

PS I love my minivan!

My thought was: That’s well put!

While I thought you guys put it well also, her statement has really stuck with me. I think it will be the thought going through my head the first time I have to send foster kids back to bio homes that do not meet my standards. I will still know that as long as they are safe, reunification is in their best interest.

Now…I’m moving on to episode 98!

Wendy, you made a comment about how sometimes you don’t have it left in you to talk to the people you want to talk to about things because of the time and energy spent on being gracious to more casual acquaintances’ inquiries. I absolutely identified with that. I first dealt with a major health issue, then infertility, and finally we started on the road as foster to adopt parents. I’ve unwittingly become an “expert” on all three of these as we worked through them, and sometimes I’ve gotten so sick of hearing myself talk about things to practically strangers, that I’ll skip a good heart to heart with a close friend just to avoid having to hear myself talk about it anymore!

I so appreciate both of you for your honesty and openness. You’ve been a tremendous help in our growth as foster parents, further preparing us for both the emotional and practical aspects of it. That’s a tremendous gift. Much love to your family!

I think that Saint and the foster parents with concerns are both coming from true places that can be very far apart. As someone inside the system, Saint is working towards reforms in how the system (including foster parents) views biological parents. I applaud that. The system, in many communities, has been the perpetrator of historical, wide-ranging injustices. Those are well-documented, and Saint’s statistics speak to them. As someone who has written for the foster care system in my own community, I have seen how cumbersome the bureaucratic system can be, how much it can lose sight of the human beings it serves, and hard how it can be to change its course. I’m grateful that people like Saint are looking at things in fresh ways and hope they can make a lasting change. It makes sense to me that biological parents and their children can benefit from good relationships with foster parents.

I also think the foster parents replying here have very legitimate concerns. We are kin-caregivers to a teenager we had known for many years prior to his removal from his home. He has a meth-addicted, mentally ill, hoarding father who has assaulted his wife for years (she seems to have battered wife syndrome and has stated many times that she is choosing him over her three children). This guy is scary. The parents knew where we lived and although we are a confidential placement, they guessed the obvious, that we are the ones who have their youngest child (the other two are in college). We have definitely worried about safety. When we lived in our old house (an address they’d been to) I had a mental escape plan in case the dad showed up. When he was arrested on child abuse charges, the $200,000 bail was some comfort (wife bailed him out). Then we coincidentally moved 100 miles away, and I have made every effort to keep our new address offline. So far, so good. These are not people who are safe, or changing–this behavior has gone on for many years. Their three children want no contact. So…long way to say: I get why foster parents are leery. I am too. Maybe in some other dynamic, but not this one, could we open our homes to biological parents. Our dynamic involves stay-away orders and escape plans.

We were just informed yesterday morning in a meeting with the Care Manager and The family therapist that they were recommending to the court unsupervised visits, so we thought it was time for her to have a visit in our home. It did work out well, but then we have had a good relationship with her since the beginning. So, we were not expecting any difficulties.

I highly recommend getting to know the birth family and talking with them in the presence of the foster child. In our case, it completely eased John’s nerves. We purposely spoke of his mother (and to her) with positive, encouraging and supportive words. In the beginning, he would wet his pants and throw tantrums, but as time went on, after supervising visits and ph conversations it only got better. She was even able to give us tips on what discipline actions worked and what didn’t. We told her all the cute things he did/said and it really kept the bond between the two of them strong. She felt eased because she grew to trust us and John felt eased because he didn’t feel like we were the reason they were apart. She is also a part of his schooling and doctor visits. Also, when he gets in trouble and gets upset with us over discipline issues, I have him call his mom and she always calms him down. You can’t get that out of a book!!! And I have read a quite a few! LOL

He still wets his pants on occasion, but now it’s from having fun and not wanting to miss out. UGH!

Happy New Year!
Sharon

Emily – You make some great points. If I gave the impression that we should open our homes to parents that are high, my apologies. The point I meant to make is that we label parents as “drug abusers” and then shut them out or create an adversarial relationship with them simply because they use drugs. That, I think is wrong. I do understand your concerns and your arguments are founded. But I think that the entirety of your reply goes to the heart of what we should be challenged to address. The child welfare system, as a whole, creates an “us” versus “them” relationship with birth parents from day one. This relationship permeates over to foster parents, who should 1) never be put in an adversarial role and 2) should be looked at as a benefit from both the state and from the birth parents. This “us” versus “them” mentality plays out in the fabrications we continue to support and believe. Can a mental disorder and drug abuse cause violence? Of course. Has it actually happened though? I think we are far too often erring on the side of caution and creating a worse environment for children and families. Whether we like it or support it, over half of the children in foster care are going back home to the birth parents. The same birth parents with mental disorders, with addiction problems, and with relatively low levels of new education and certainly less levels of actual parenting of their child. So, we don’t trust birth parents enough to allow them into our home (according to our stipulations) but they somehow end up “safe” enough to have their kids come back home? This doesn’t add up. I whole heartedly blame the system for creating this mess. But, a solution clearly lies with foster parents.

We have several sites in my state that do this type of foster parenting, allowing birth parents into their homes. Yes, there are always risks when you open your life up to someone, especially someone who has had their child legally removed form them. I will tell you that in those areas that do that type of foster parenting, there are NO incidents between birth parents and foster parents. Why? I would venture to say its because the birth parent sees the foster parent as an ally and advocate in the system. Someone to trust and someone who is helping them in a hard situation.

We need to change the model of what we are doing. You tell me which is better: a once a month visit at a McDonalds or a once a month visit in a home. The risks that foster parents are concerned about aren’t alleviated by visiting a new location. They’re exactly the same; they just happen to not be in your personal space. We can discuss at length the issues surrounding families in poverty and families of color and their run ins with the criminal justice system and the prevalence of addiction and narcotics in those environments. Yet, I think the main point we need to address is that birth parents are not dangerous. If they were dangerous, kids wouldn’t return home. Birth parents do have lots of issues. Mentally, emotionally, physical addictions, and environmentally. We can help some of those instances out, or we can keep them at arm’s length and send kids back into the fire (although a fire that is not as bad, per state regulations).

From experience, from seeing this actually played out, I’m telling you this is a viable approach to foster parenting. It has to start on day one. Foster parents have to “partner” with birth parents from day one. You don’t have to have a birth parent sleep over within an hour of placement. You should venture into it gradually and carefully, setting appropriate boundaries and expectations. But, you should embrace the FAMILY of the child who lives with you. From day one. It works. Try it.

I also stuggle with feeling like I am being bossy to a parent. We have supervised phone calls but stopped because of inappropriate behavior. I didn’t feel comfortable telling her how she can act. I was worried that she would resent my correction.

I also want to echo that my experince has been more toward Jana’s experience. One father was a murderer and threatened to kill whoever had custody of his son. One mother was very unstable mentally and would have been the parent to take off with her child. While she didn’t physically abuse her child there was a chance that she would harm the child. She made incications of that. We did what we could to allow her to have contact. But I have yet be involved with a birth parent I would feel safe around my foster child, especially after I got to know them.

I guess in the end I don’t base my decision on statistics. But on my experience with that parent.

Obviously, you need to be wise and discerning and ask the right questions of your social worker but I agree – there is probably less to be feared in a lot of cases about birth parents.

Mary – Addressing the concept of birth parents with your “loin” children is definitely a challenge. I’m assuming they understand that the foster child in your home came from somewhere and that he has family from somewhere. Working from that explanation is probably the best start. Of course, explaining “fostering” to small children can be a tricky concept, but starting with relating a foster child to his biological parents is a good start.
In talking about hosting biological parents, there are always issues that come into play for each situation. With an hour+ drive, time can be a problem. I would suggest looking at what works best for both of you in terms of meeting together. The principle behind the hosting is one of mentorship and invested connection. That may mean that phone calls are more appropriate (with boundaries of course). That may mean you can’t meet as often, but maybe meet for longer periods of time. The point is to get involved, help them to be the best parents they can be, and keep a connection with them.
The program I was referring to comes form the Family to Family initiative of the Annie E. Casey Foundation. It is based within child welfare agencies. http://www.aecf.org/majorinitiatives/family%20to%20family.aspx
I do know about Safe Families (they have just opened in St. Louis) and I am a huge fan. They have been very helpful with our child abuse investigators in finding safe, short term options for children in crisis situations. I would encourage you to read more about Family to Family and the programs it uses. We have found them to be monumentally helpful.

In response to Jana, I appreciate the work that you are doing. In supervising visits, visiting in parent’s homes and eating together. Those are fantastic processes that help toward reunification. That is truly a great job and please keep up the good work. I want to reply with, perhaps, some challenging thoughts. We don’t have to agree, but I’d love to dialogue more.
To begin, hiding identifying information from birth parents is really an exercise in futility. As a foster parent, you are a vendor with the state you work with and as such that information is publicly available at any time. In a simpler version, most of your information is available via Google anyway. I’m sure you know that social work has its problems, as does any profession, but that type of information is released all to often to various parties and does end up in the hands of parents often. Your information is given to judges, attorneys, GALs, DJOs, social workers, doctors, teachers, and on and on. Don’t think that this is top secret work. It’s not. The concept of PROTECT THE CHILD and SAFE HOME are a little misconstrued. A foster home is not meant to be a prison or a fortress. A child who is in foster care needs a place to live that is free from the immediate threat of safety to their well being. They’re not housed in castles, fortresses, or surrounded by armed guards. They need a place to stay where people care for them, won’t physically abuse them, won’t mentally/emotionally abuse them and will love them as if they were their own child. I’m sorry to hear that you may have some bad experiences with parents, but please don’t mistake one or two occurrences for the majority of what is happening around you. The foster care world has a bad habit of making the plural of anecdote become data. Two stories do not a trend make. I would challenge you to work on breaking down some of the walls we put up between foster parents and birth parents. Again, I find it strange that we won’t share last names. What threat exists and what has happened to make that unsafe? I would challenge traditional thoughts and say that nothing has actually happened. We’re more worried about a “what if” scenario that has yet to actually occur. From a different perspective, we have social workers going into the homes of birth parents every day, knocking on doors and alleging child abuse, physically removing children from the homes of parents with the understanding that they’re professionals. Yet, we have much higher security and safety concerns for the people who are caring for the children temporarily. This just doesn’t make sense. Unless we are creating an adversarial model with the caretakers. I would make the case that by not sharing information, not collaborating with parents at the start, we are making an adversarial model of foster parenting. We’re starting off by saying, “You, birth parent, are not to be trusted. I am safe. I can have your children in my home (whom I have never met). But you cannot have any information about their whereabouts or who I am.” Again, this doesn’t make sense to me.
I want to comment on some of what you said regarding parents. I think we can agree to disagree on what makes a parent “dangerous.” Being an addict does not make you a bad parent or a dangerous parent. It does make you a stupid parent, but not a bad parent. Many people have functioning addicts as parents. I happen to have one. Don’t mistake someone with an addiction, showing up high to a meeting as someone who is dangerous. That’s a bad misconception. Associating with criminals is not child abuse. Having a criminal record isn’t child abuse. People do stupid things. That does not mean they hurt children. I would challenge you to look at some of those preconceived notions about what a “dangerous person” is.
My last comments are on the concept of parents as abusers. Children are removed from their homes because they cannot safely remain living there. Over 50% of the children who are taken into custody are for NEGLECT issues, the number one issue being lack of supervision, the number two issue being unsafe/unsanitary living conditions. That is NOT ABUSE. That is poor parenting, bad housekeeping, living in poverty, living in a slum… it is a lot of things but it is not abuse. 25% of kids enter foster care due to physical abuse. Most of those cases are related to physical discipline (I believe it’s near 80%). 25% of kids entering foster care are taken into custody for sexual abuse. Of those, over 50% of the abusers are NOT PARENTS. The number one perpetrator of sexual abuse is an extended family member. and the number two perpetrator of sexual abuse is a paramour (boyfriend/girlfriend). If you have an argument over any of these statistics, the best argument is for physical abuse. YET!!! 60% of the kids in foster care will be reunified with their parents. In my experience, most physical abuse cases involving discipline are due to a parent hitting their kids with an extension cord, belt, switch or other object and leaving marks/bruises on children. Most of those kids return home to their parents. So, we can continue to believe that parents are scary, child abusing people. Or we can look at what is actually the truth and what is actually happening in the foster care system. The facts are, most kids will return home because it is safe to do so. Most kids come into care for neglect. Of those that come in for abuse, sexually abused kids are usually not protected by parents as opposed to abused by them and kids physically abused by parents are usually the result of bad discipline techniques. Are these statistics that should cause us to fear parents? I hope not, because like it or not, those kids are going back to those homes with those same people. If they are going home, and they likely are, are we going to accept that their once/twice a month visit for 1-2 hours and their 6 week, 1 hour per week, parenting course is sufficient to solve those problems that existed. I don’t think so. Which is why I encourage people who are good parents, good enough to bring unknown children into their homes, to partner, mentor and teach the parents those children will return to.
The statistics for child abuse and foster care can be found at your state’s child welfare website and also at the Administration for Children and Families website. I would encourage you to learn more about what child abuse and neglect actually is occurring where you live. I would venture to say it is much different than what you think.

Above all, let me say, thank you for being a foster parent. We need more of you out there.

I read RATM pretty regularly and met Kristen at Together for Adoption in 2010. I’ve had to cut way back on my blog reading in the last several months but, you’re right, foster-adopt blogs are harder to come by.

We have a mini-van. D bought it last year while I was at the Together for Adoption conference. It is so un-cool and so practical. I have a love-hate relationship with it.

I have a friend who sned her son to a Kumon Center for reading and math. And it is not that expensive. (Just over $100 per month/child) and she is amazed at the positive response of her son.
Here’s a link (sorry its long)

http://www.kumon.com/GetStarted/GetABrochure.aspx?WT.term=kumon&gclid=COKP_Z2jw6wCFY9X7AodqV9z2A&ef_id=NZhOXZKrIjIAAA87%3A20111119175834%3As&WT.medium=cpc&WT.srch=1&WT.content=BPn4GZwi&WT.source=google&cshift_ck=e3a6e0cd-f83a-40a4-b89c-767c3c362c72csBPn4GZwi

and then there is something i saw on TV that i actually want to get for myself. I think its a great way to learn math. http://www.kumon.com/GetStarted/GetABrochure.aspx?WT.term=kumon&gclid=COKP_Z2jw6wCFY9X7AodqV9z2A&ef_id=NZhOXZKrIjIAAA87%3A20111119175834%3As&WT.medium=cpc&WT.srch=1&WT.content=BPn4GZwi&WT.source=google&cshift_ck=e3a6e0cd-f83a-40a4-b89c-767c3c362c72csBPn4GZwi

hope this helps…

AnaKris

Regarding the letter from the reader: When we got our first and second placement, we too announced it with excitement to our friends on Facebook. It was an happy-sad-terrified-adrenaline kind of excited. Happy that we could finally get our hands dirty helping a child, sad about their situation and terrified that wouldn’t turn out well. Almost everyone responded with “Congratulations!” and I had a hard time with that because what appeared to be good news to an outsider was really bad news for someone else. But I love how you explained it—I wish there was no need for foster parents but because there is, it’s OK to celebrate when a child gets pulled out of a mess and placed into a loving home with parents who have been waiting to care for him. Likewise, if the child is reunified with his parents, it’s a cause for celebration as well as being a sad time.

Awesome answer about the celebration. I experienced that my first placement. I wanted to celebrate. My friends and family wanted to. But my poor little girl was hurting. So we kept the celebration to ourselves. I really loved your answer.

Seriously, though, we haven’t forgotten. I have an outline drafted.

(Also, T, loved the 30 Rock reference).

And we’re glad to announce, we got 4 seminars down..3 more to go and were officially certified to foster and adopt!

Btw, I tried typing in our cell phone numbers in google, they came up, after clicking on some pages..they revealed our FULL NAMES and the state where we used to live. They had links to be unlisted but id have to pay Over $5 for each..do u know of any other way of becoming anonymous?

Thanks for the other link for the podcast, I tried I but its not user friendly on my android. Ill see what I can do. Still waiting for the next podcast :0)

waiting for the next podcast from Y’all.

I finally got caught up with the podcast, and need more input.

We’re anxious and excited because it’s our 4th tuesday to complete the 7 week IMPACT Seminar. We’ll graduate on Nov. 8th!

Should we start looking for bunkbeds to furnish the rooms ro be ready for the Home inspection? We are hoping to foster/adopt 0-9 year olds.. or should we wait on that? For now, we have a Sofa bed in there.

thanks for your help and for bing informative.

I got a google phone number and it works like a charm! I love the fact that all my phones ring at just one call! and my ipod too! :0)

twiddling thumbs…

when’s the next podcast coming on??? sigh.

God bless you guys!!!

Whew! So i’m all caught up with your podcast…took some time..now what am i going to do on my way to work during my 1.5 hour bus ride to and from work?!

any other podcasts on adoption and fostering you could recommend? I downloaded a few from Focus on the family, they have some on adoption…anything?

I’m still trying to catch up with the podcast and I am getting there :0)

Just wanted to know what that online webpage was where we can get credit hours?

And how long was that inter racial seminar exactly?

My husband and I are going to our IMPACT seminar in GA were going to be on our 4th Tuesday next week :0D

Thanks for being so informative along with T&W

God bless

Annakris

Hubby and I just got done with our 2nd seminar for our DFCS IMPACT requirement here in GA paulding county. Were so excited to get it done. And thanks to your podcast, i/we know more and we don’t have to keep asking the fascilitator questions to slow her down…thank you…the 4 of u..(tim,wendy,dan,krista)

I mentioned your podcast to our DFCs fascilitator and our class will start listening to you. So I wanted to give you a headsup on that.

Btw, if u need a substitute for the podcast…keep us in mind,we were told that it’ll go fast to get a placement. If you wanna have a prayer line open..for the christians, we got a prayer request..please pray that we get everything ready (the papers required, the room, our hearts, have parenting skills and have God send us the kid/s that he thinks is best for us and that what is best for the kid/s)

Tim thanks for the link for starting our own podcast. Hubby thinks that were stl novice to start talking bout foster and adopting..we’ll wait til we cross the bridge.

God speed.

A on the bus and am having a hard time typing on my phone. Hug the kids for us

Annakris

Thanks-
Anne

She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”

The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied,

“Well, I made a difference to that one!”

The old man looked at the girl inquisitively and thought about what she had done and said. Inspired, he joined the little girl in throwing starfish back into the sea. Soon others joined, and all the starfish were saved. – adapted from the Star Thrower by Loren C. Eiseley

Also, thought you might like to share this – Noel Piper (daughter of John Piper) is running a giveaway for 4 free registrations to together for adoption:

http://noelpiper.com/2011/09/16/free-4-registrations-to-t4a-conference/

We teach them young. (also even if their families are Noles)

#2. just for Dan – Go ‘Noles! excited to indoctrinate all our children into the Seminole Life… even if their bio-fams are Gators :):):) (can you tell we are in Florida?)

#3. props to y’all for stretching your comfort to reach and be Jesus’ reps to “Georgia”!

And I love what Caroline says

Boy am I so glad that we found you guys. My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster and foster/adopt. We enjoy and find your podcast entertaining and informative as well.thank you for being so encouraging! And thanks for making your podcasts so easy to download on ipod and android. We’re hoping to be able to adopt the kids we foster.

God speed

The boys are five and four.

We probably need to do a future episode on transracial foster care and adoption but I can tell you what I have benefitted the most from is personal accounts of those who were adopted transracially (Growing Up Black in White by Kevin Hoffmann) or those who grew up in multi-racial families (The Color of Water by James McBride).

As for comments, I’m still learning how to deal with those. I have to remember that being overly-defensive or rude does nothing to make adoption or foster care appealing. Overall, my goal in responding is getting people to think differently about foster care and adoption.

I was completely floored by the teacher’s comment… Just could NOT believe that she said it.

I work outside the home a few days a week so homeschooling is not an option. We’ll update soon – we think we have a good situation worked out for the fall.

K

i am sure that everyone who was/is in the process of adopting from foster care anyhow would liek to get a $12,000 tax refund for doing something they were going to do ANYway. so, do you think the fact that this is ending will make lots of people rush to complete their adoptions all before Dec 31?

You guys talk about such big important topics that nobody else really understands unless they go through it themselves. Fostering is so hard because even when you have happy times, it’s hard not to think forward to when you’ll lose them. I’m going to make a bigger effort to find time to listen to the previous episodes just to hear from someone who understands. Thank you.

She is doing great and we thank God for bringing her and her younger brother and sister into our family. Seeing how God is working in the lives of our children gives us a glimpse of how much He cares for children. People think that we are doing something great for God by adopting but really He is doing something wonderful for us by showing us more of Himself through our experience.

Tim and Wendy,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I hear your compassion, strength, and wisdom. It obvious that the Lord created you both to know how to respond and join Him as He pursues these beautiful children. I love your statement of ” I don’t regret pouring into them” and ” I don’t regret loving them” – what a reflection of God’s own heart! May the Lord continue to pour into you both so you may be refreshed and renewed in His compassion and love towards you both. Blessings to you both and your family.

But first – nice that you mentioned Loren Eiseley – but just to set the record straight, this version of the Star Thrower is only very, very loosely based on Loren Eiseley’s essay of the same name – best to say that this version was *inspired* by Eiseley’s essay. This popular version of the story was created by a motivational/inspirational speaker named Joel Barker (and can be found here: http://www.starthrower.com/star_thrower_story_script.htm ) Loren Eiseley, on the other hand, was a naturalist and natural philosopher, and his story, while it does contain the seeds on Barker’s version, was an essay about natural selection, life, death and compassion in a hostile and uncaring universe. It can be found here: http://www.american-buddha.com/unexpec.univ.eiseley.htm

Now that that’s out of the way…the point of Barker’s version of the story is NOT, as you mistakenly seem to think, that “It’s okay if you only do a little – because at least it matters to someone…or to one person (the person that you help.) The story is NOT an excuse or justification for doing very little…while ignoring the bigger problem! That’s not the point at all!

And if that’s how it’s being used by some speakers – then THEY have missed the pint too!

Barker’s point (and Eiseley’s to a smaller extent) was meant as an answer to people who say that there is no point in doing ANYTHING AT ALL – because, ‘Why bother, it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things…you can never help *everyone* or solve EVERY PROBLEM! So what’s the point?” The story is meant as a counter-point to people who use ‘Well, you can’t help everyone, so why even bother!’ as an excuse to do NOTHING. (“Well, you can’t end world hunger and feed every single starving kid…so why even give money to charities that feed the hungry or food to those hungry people? What does it matter”)

The point of the story is that, it *does* matter – even if you *personally* can’t feed every child in the world – you can help some* – or *one* – and i MATTERS VERY MUCH to that one person.

The story isn’t about how we all, collectively, shouldn’t try to solve the roots of WHY those people are hungry – it’s about how we personally sometimes feel overwhelmed that we alone cant make a difference…so why even bother trying. If we can’t personally, solve all the worlds problems and help every person…kid…or starfish…at least we can help some.

But also, implied in the story, is the idea that is EVERYONE OF US tried to help one…”starfish”…or person…or child…that collectively, all together, maybe we *could* help ALL of them…

But the story isn’t at all a justification for doing as little as possible and ignoring the bigger picture. Nor is it a metaphor for “throwing” children “back” or throwing them away.

And the person..kid…in the story (depending on it’s version) isn’t ignoring the bigger issue…because it’s an issue he CAN’T do anything about…it’s *nature*…suffering and death. It’s not “dynamite” or the fisherman using dynamite that is the cause for the starfish all washing up on the shore…irt’s a natural phenomenon – in Eisely’s original story, this happens the day after a *massive storm* has washed up all these creatures on the shore to die. Eiseley says that indeed, many *are* already dead…so he and the other “thrower” are seeking out the survivors and trying to give them a chance. And even then, he says, most will probably not make it…only those that might catch the tide in the right way. But at least he’s doing something. His other choice is to say “Well, I cant help all of these starfish…and probably even most of the ones I try to help wont make it…so better to just walk away and not even try.” …which, btw, is an attitude that I almost think your podcast hosts were making when they pointed out that most of the fish were already dead…and you couldn’t really throw them far enough so they would probably wash back ashore anyway…

Really, you should re-read both stories before you presume to be able to “improve” upon them! Not that your story is a bad one either…and it makes a very good point too. But its a different story about an entirely different situation…and it really doesn’t relate to situation in the original versions of the story.

I would love to hear more podcasts on methodologies and philosophies for helping foster children. I have found those episodes most helpful

Thank you.

I think your comment is perfect for “Listener Corner” – we’ll talk about it in the next podcast we record. Thanks!

Speaking of which, I haven’t heard you talk much about the endless paperwork, wasted phone calls, going in circles, etc. that has accompanied my experience of foster parenting. Is that because you’re sheltered from that somewhat by Olive Crest, or because you’re licensed, or because you’re more experienced than I am? I am not only dealing directly with the system, but as a kin caregiver rather than a licensed foster parent, and as someone who lives outside the county of my son’s case, I am having to learn the system on my own, and in two counties, and this is my first year in this unexpected foster parent role. I can’t believe the run-around I get–try 16+ phone calls to try to find a therapist for my son. Whew!

If you ever want to do an episode on dealing with paperwork and keeping your cool, I’ll be delighted. In the meantime, thanks for the morale boosts. I am so grateful for your podcasts!

Anyway …………
Even though they are old ……………
I’m working my way up …………….
Thanks for an awesome podcast
Nicole

Kids that have experienced trauma have a filing cabinet with bad memories that have highly sensitive connections. As a foster or adoptive parent, you’re lucky if you get to see in the cabinet and even luckier if you get to “read” that file via the child’s communication, outburst, etc.

We don’t avoid emotional triggers in our home. But we also don’t provoke them. We want our daughter to cope with and manage these sensitive connections because they will come up without us around to support her through it. Just like your girls may never lose that sensitive connection of playing UNO with challenging memories of their past, the hope is that one day they embrace that game as part of their story and when they play it, it becomes a symbol of the positive attributes that “Carmon” gave them, starting with their precious lives! And now every time they play that game with you, that confusing pain can evolve, little by little.

Brock, there was some joking about having an audience sing-a-long to the theme song. I don’t think any one knows the words though.

Stay tuned for the “listener corner” section. . . .

What no Listener Corner….I wanted the whole audience to sing the jingle along with you…..

If you guys run out of topics for podcasts let us know….I am sure we could give you some ideas…also always enjoy your interviews with other foster and adoptive parents…..Just saying….

PS. I re-listened to some of your going to court episodes in preparation for going to court again for our case. Days later when I went to court, I had this huge craving for donuts!

“Yes, orphan care can be risky. Justice for the fatherless will sap far more from us than just the time it takes to advocate. These kids need to be reared, to be taught, to be hugged, to be heard. Children who have been traumatized often need more than we ever expect to give. It is easier to ignore those cries. But love of any kind is risky.

The Gospel means it’s worth it to love, even to the point of shedding your own blood. After all, that’s what made a family for ex-orphans like us.”

I absolutely LOVED hearing the live audience clapping and laughing at the jokes. (That’s something I’ll hear in my head when I listen, so it was cool to hear it for real!) Wish I could have joined you all, but making the trip from PA would have been a little far.

Congratulations on 100 incredible episodes! I pray that what D and K said about 100 more will come true!

Go video live and we will be sure to tune in.

you also need to consider the context, this poem has been use to inspired other causes other than adoption…..

you just suck…all over and all around.

Great comment, as always.

Working for a Christian agency as a Foster Parent Recruiter and Trainer – I am always hearing excuses and etc as to why the couldn’t or wouldn’t. While I understand foster parenting may not be for everyone – I find that far too many people automatically disqualify themselves for the wrong reasons or just out of pure selfishness.

Good stuff Maynard….keep it up!

Blessings
Brock

As a result of his leaving our parents were also devastated. We both come from close families and our foster son was incredibly charming and engaging and so stinking cute. He made every one fall in love with him. We had many difficult experiences with him and his attachment issues and even our parents struggled from time to time in terms of how to best support him and us. We did not realize how deeply our foster parenting affected our parents until after he left. My mother couldn’t talk about him for months without crying.

We have two other legal risk placements in our home now, two girls, who have been with us sixteen months, and I can’t imagine what it would be like if they did not end up staying with us. All of the grandmas and grandpas are in love with the girls….we often remind them that nothing is forever yet. The good thing is that they never treat them as anything less that their grandkids which is so wonderful and such a blessing to the girls.

I feel that our foster kids deserve to have the benefit of grandparents and enjoy them as much as my wife and I enjoyed our own grandparents while growing up. I personally would never withhold my foster kids from my parents as they have caught the foster bug and consider themselves foster grandparents and have learned so much from this process.

Our kids have always called us mom and dad and we have not dissuaded them from doing so. We have always given our kids the option to call us whatever they want to call us (as long as it is not doofus or weirdo). LOL

Blessings
Brock

In addition to being a foster parent, I work for a private Christian agency, MBCH Children and Family Ministries, as a Foster/Adopt/Kinship worker. My primary job is to recruit, train and license foster parents. I have been doing this job for over two years now and have had the pure joy of bringing nearly 30 families through the process and into full licensure.

The issue of false allegations is something I talk about at length during my training sessions. I always tell folks to expect it to happen, rather than think it won’t happen to you. My first rule of thumb for dealing with an investigation is to start being consistent with your kiddos from the moment they walk in your door. CONSISTENCY is so important for our kids and for us as the parents. If you are consistent you will automatically be able to report how you handle issues in your home without having to think about what you did on that day to deal with that behavior or what have you.

I love this podcast and agree with every thing you share and so much of it comes straight from the training I give the foster parents I work with. There are times where I think you are reading my mind and I shout out an AMEN to you or quick get Wendy a tissue!

Blessings
Brock

We just brought into our home a 10 year old boy, Mark (not his real name) and he joins our 12 year old adopted son and our two foster daughters, 3 and 7. We have never brought a child into our home who was so old before and had concerns about doing so. He has been in care for four years and has been in multiple homes. He has anger issues, but is easily redirected and responsive. He is so eager to be loved and given affection and started calling us mom and dad our first visit with him, which we all know brings up other concerns. Mark is legally free for adoption and that is why we brought him into our home as we plan to adopt him.

We recognize that there are many challenges ahead yet I also think forward to the day I teach him to start driving, the day he walks across the graduation stage, or the day he introduces me to the girl of his dreams or when he hands me his first born child to cradle in my arms. Those are the thoughts and ideas I hang onto and pray for. I consistently pray the verse from Jeremiah 29 that says “God has a plan and future = plans for you to prosper and not harm you!” God has brought all of our kids into our lives so they can be safe and walk into the fullness of HIS plans for each of their lives…What an honor to be a part of that process.

Blessings
Brock

It was interesting how the visits were fine between the boys for the most part. Yet the minute Mark moved in our son Willie (not his real name) started rebelling and causing problems every which way he turned. We expected some transition issues, but WOW this is the mother load of issues. He is 12 and of course burgeoning on teenager life and his heart, brain and body are all changing rapidly and now the addition of his new brother, who is going to be a forever brother, as Mark’s parental rights have been terminated.

Needless to say – I hear your struggle and feel your pain and know your joy when you have gone two hours without a fight or someone complaining about another. I love all four of our kids and they each have their own strengths and challenges, but the biggest challenge for my wife and I is to keep trusting God each and everyday with the future of our children. He called us to this in our lives and brought each of these kids into our home in a unique way.

God is surely a big God and He alone knows what is needed to get through to our kids and it is up to us to rest in HIM as we guide our wonderful kiddos through the journey of life……Not always an easy task.

I am finding that I am not sure I could be a foster parent if it were not for FAITH. The faith that gives me the assurance that HE has it all under control. He has done it before! He is doing it now! And HE WILL DO IT AGAIN for all of our kiddos.

Blessings to you both
Brock

One thing I wondered after listening this time, is how do you get the nitty-gritty of your day done? I get the impression you both work…but how? We’re only managing our foster son’s needs because I work at home and uh, basically am not getting my work done. My husband is gone more than full time. How are you getting four kids to appointments? And how are you getting dinner made? Probably my biggest emotional hurdle since becoming a foster parent has been getting a good, hot, reasonably home-made meal on the table. Since my bio son is small, we were just sort of foraging until we added our foster son. Now it’s real meals every night. Wah! It’s so relentless! Dinner seems even more relentless than the other chores of parenting, maybe because it involves pre-planning, creativity and careful timing–and your audience may not thank you for it.

I don’t think the book is supposed to be sad, but there is a point in the book when the baby goose’s adoptive family (beavers, I think) are trying to make him happy & his friends are trying to make him happy, but they’re just not “like him” and so he loves them but he still isn’t happy. It takes him growing up and moving on to figure himself out, but it the last picture, he is soaring…with one of his beaver parents on his back.

Our foster son was put under the care of the county the week before his birthday. His then foster mom took him to the store to choose a toy, but there was no party, cake, wrapping, etc. His mom promised gifts for months and never delivered. To say that he has birthday issues is an understatement! So of course, my son’s birthday fell during this time, and on the same day they were invited to a neighbor child’s birthday party.

It was difficult to decide how to celebrate my son’s birthday while being sensitive to our foster son. We did the majority of celebrating while our foster son was on a weekend visit with his Dad. On the actual birthday we had a quiet celebration with cake and one present. The neighbor child’s birthday tipped the scales – tons of people, presents, and eyes on they boy everyone knew was a foster child. (In retrospect I wish I would have found another fun activity for that day.) It was a difficult day for him, thankfully he expressed it, shedding a few tears and spending time alone (his own choosing) to sort out his feelings. His most clear desire was a wrapped present.

In thinking how we might help I considered an un-birthday party, but decided that I didn’t want to try and take the place of his parents, or make it such a big deal that his previous lack of birthday celebrations was even more painful. We decided on a simple gift of a small box of Legos and two books. I wrapped them nicely, with bright paper, a bow and a card signed by the whole family that said “Happy Birthday! a little late”. We gave it to him in the morning with little fanfare. He was very quiet opening it. He thanked us and gave hugs to everyone (something that had not happened before). I feel that it was a success, communicating that he is worthy of a nice gift. It won’t erase the wounds of his past, but hopefully he understands just a little bit more that he is worth loving.

For me, I learned that going through the motions isn’t enough, it can be HOW it’s done that matters.

On the issue of Vietnamese culture–I hear what rachel is saying, and also think you are doing your best. But I know what drives you. My son said one night, “I miss being Filipino.” We try to do things like Filipino food, but he came to us just as we were moving out of an area of high Filipino concentration; in our new community, 70 miles away, even getting traditional food is challenging. I have come to realize, however, that it’s not about the food (which he often turns down, as not being enough like his family’s cooking). He misses his aunties. He misses being part of his own family. He misses feeling NORMAL, not like the one Filipino kid in a non-Filipino family (even a mixed family like ours, where he looks more like my husband than our bio son does). If I got dropped into a Filipino family in a Filipino community, I know it would feel funny and isolating at some level. We are going to try to make a visit with the aunties, but will need a lot of support to do so in a healthy way. It is my next project!

Hang in there, you two! And thanks for all you do for the rest of us.

I had also been listening to the Adopted for Life book so I was excited when you mentioned it. Turns out the Lord referenced your spiritual warfare comment with me that same day. One day, ALL day, last week I was bombarded with the thoughts: “You’re not their mom. I’m not going to do this anymore. Why does God just keep having me care for other people’s kids? Doesn’t it stink you can’t adopt them?” On this day I had a medical appointment involving fertility issues, it was my last day with a 5 month old boy we’d been caring for, and birth parents out of the blue called for the first time and I monitored their first call with our 11 & 13 yr old foster siblings. I also received a difficult email from a counselor questioning my authority and decision to change their psychologist, and confirmed to a friend who is changing legal documents so that my husband and I would become parents of their 3 children should they pass away. After my evening breakdown with my husband, the next morning at 445 God clearly brought to mind your spiritual warfare statement and rephrased it for me. “When someone tells me or I think “I’m not a mom”; it is spiritual warfare. And when I pray to God and thank Him for positioning me as mother in their lives for today–that’s my battle cry, telling the world that they are loved and the war is about to turn.

ok… so there’s my comment.

“Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees… so that the lame may not be disabled but rather healed” Hebrew 12:12

W – The Glass Castle is an amazing book. My mom bought like ten copies and just kept giving it out to people.

With that being said, have you considered videos and music that are in the Vietnamese language? They could be enjoyed during chill-out time (since you are all so busy) and also it removes the stress/immediate expectation of having to interact properly with adults they do not know (in restaurant, etc). I only found a few good possible titles on Netflix when I searched, but if you look elsewhere online I am sure you could find more. Also there are those online radio stations (we access them through iTunes, I don’t know if they can be accessed by other systems as well?) that seem to be from many countries– I wonder if there are Vietnamese stations offered in that directory. Also perhaps Vietnamese musical CDs. Maybe if you made contact with someone online, they can help you select titles that are appropriate for older kids. Also maybe you could get appropriate posters for their room if you have not decorated in a particular way already- of Vietnamese festivals and such, or singers or role models of some kind. Just some ideas of ways you can incorporate the cultural influences without it being yet another activity or “appointment.” (But, again, what you are already doing for the boys in this regard is not deficient in any way!)

I’m 4yrs behind, but really enjoying your podcasts! We have been foster parents with the hope of adopting since 2009, and it’s great to hear from other foster parents who don’t fit in with fost/adopt exactly but want to adopt.

What spurred my comment though, was that our 11mo son LOVES the intro music to your blog and does this funny shoulder-shrug dance when I play a new episode

Thank you for sharing your hearts, you’ve bee a sweet encouragement to me!

Maybe you could also allow some amateur participation and have a live audience Q&A or let people comments about how the podcast has affected them/us. I know for my wife and I it has been tremendous and in one week we will have our final walkthrough to be certified foster parents with Olive Crest!

Thank you…

We have 2 kids whom we hope to adopt and one birth son (who is younger). Going from 1 kid to 3 kids was a big change and I can imagine how 2 to 4 is. We’ve had some tattling issues (when it seems someone is always tattling). We’ve had success with a couple techniques:
1 – You may ONLY “tell” mom/dad if sibling hurt you or is doing something unsafe. Anything else you need to work out yourselves. (this prob helps bc it removes the attention piece)
2 – When the bickering/tattling gets unbearable, I just announce that obviously they all need a break from each other and I send each kid to a different room. They can still play/read/etc, but have to go it solo (and no electronics). Usually the kids are begging to play together within about 10 mins.
Good luck and I’ll be praying!

All my love and utmost respect to you both and your family. I’m always learning so much from you both and your faith.

J

We are praying for your transition, as well as our own. Thank you for the words of encouragement and for just being here. It is so nice to know we are not alone, even when we feel like we are.

http://prairieguy.wordpress.com/2007/07/27/who-are-foster-parents/

As far as getting your sons to follow directions, we give our son the direction and if he doesn’t follow it we remind him and then have him repeat it. It drives him crazy to repeat it, but he moves much quicker because he doesn’t want to have to repeat it again.

Congratulations again!

Fellow foster mom,
Shannon in Indiana <

this just came up in our MAPP class last week.

they said while the majority are NOT taken for sexual abuse (as you said) the rough % of kids that end up being determined to have been sexually abused is 70%.

that was the biggest heartbreaker so far… 70%!!!!!!

it is a shame when people comment in a nonconstructive manner… especially when they haven’t listened to the podcast…

so excited to hear you are still in contact w/ previous placement, we have FINALLY started our MAPP classes and feel so prepared by listening to you and tim and wendy’s podcasts…

re: the potty training, my mum always gave us a book to read on the “loo” (Aussie) and that always made it less boring.

Love, love, love the podcasts!

Congratulations does seem to be a strange response to a sad situation, but I’m so glad these two adorable, precious boys get parents like D & K, instead of irresponsible ones who don’t even show up to court.

We have/had the same defiance issues with Linda. Our PCIT counting method works for us but she always waits till the last second to comply. We’ve learned to keep counting and immediately consequence her so that she knows to “hop to it” once we start counting.

I’m so glad I found you on i-tunes!! I am trying to catch up on all the episodes. My husband and I are in the process of becoming certified to adopt through foster care in South Carolina. I listened to this episode on my way home from work yesterday and was very shocked. It is shocking to me that anyone who goes through with the adoption process would ever consider giving their child back. I know we haven’t adopted yet but the only reason we are adopting is that I believe with all my heart that this new child ( we refer to him as N.K. – new kid) will be our child forever. I have a daughter from my first marriage and it wouldnt matter what she did I wouldn’t give her back!? Who would I giver her to? She is my child! What ever happens with any child you deal with it the best way you can. And divorcing your child, adopted or otherwise is not ever an option. Okay, enough about that. I think you guys are great and are providing a lot of great information. My husband especially needed to hear that God tells us to adopt!! We received our letter today from DHEC (dept of health and environmental control) so we can call and make an appointment for them to do their visit!!!!! Getting closer!!!!!

I hope this won’t be seen as spammy, but I’d like to encourage people to email in to Stuff You Should Know (stuffpodcast@howstuffworks.com) and ask them to do a podcast on foster care for National Foster Care Month in May. The more people who request it, the more likely they’ll do it and it would be a great way to educate a lot of people about the system, its needs, and ways to help.

Thanks!

Shannon R. in Indiana <